the dead dad club...

"I don't know how to exist in a world where he doesn't."

Welcome to the Dead Dad Club.

I hope you have never had to make the decision to end some one's life. I hope you never have to make the decision to end some one's life. If you want to know how it feels to do that, though, I strongly suggest watching Grey's Anatomy: Season 3, Six Days--Part 2.

As a bit of a disclaimer I must say I am an avid watcher of Grey's Anatomy. I love the characters, I love the story lines, I love the tender moments, I love the sordid tales... I love it all. It will help you to understand the impact of Six Days--Part 2 if you love Grey's, too. If not, go back at least to Season 3, Where the Boys Are and watch George's father's illness unfold. Some episodes are available free on ABC... older episodes can be downloaded at iTunes for $1.99 each.

In our house we use the DVR to record programs we don't want to miss. Grey's Anatomy is on that short list, so I rarely, if ever, am watching it on Thursday at 9:00pm EST with the rest of the world. I can't be bothered with waiting through the pesky commercials! Thanks to my trusty DVR, I fast-forward right past those and get straight to the good stuff. So today, on a Friday afternoon, I curled up on the sofa under my comfy quilt and pushed "Play". I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

Moments that usually take our breath away are the unexpected ones... we don't see them coming. The same can be said of moments that rip our heart out through our throat and then show it to us. I want you to watch the show, so I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow of the episode. What I will explain is how hard I cried. In the privacy of my own family room, surrounded by happy thoughts and things, I spilled tears until there were no more to fall. I sobbed uncontrollably, transported back in time through a TV screen to a waiting room in Johns Hopkins Hospital almost nine years ago, when I was asked to sign on a dotted line saying it was OK to take my father's life let my father go. And as I continued to watch, unable to turn away, I was back in that hospital room as they turned off machines and the song of the heart monitor transformed from a syncopated rhythm into the lone note of a bagpiper bellowing "Amazing Grace".

In the time since my dad's death, I have never seen such an honest, moving and accurate portrayal of what it's like to reach the point where there are no other options... where letting go is the only choice.

As for the Dead Dad Club, any member will tell you it's an organization we hope you never have to join. If and when that time comes, though, we'll be here. Unfortunately, no one has the answer to that burning question, "How do I exist in a world where he doesn't?" That's a journey each of us has to go alone.