mike birbiglia is sexy and manly...

The interwebs is apparently much smarter than me. Let's be honest, though. Most days I can't even remember to put my soda can down to the right of my computer. Yes, I am right-handed. I, for some reason however, insist on putting it down to the left of my computer. No, I don't understand it either, and yes, I do know that's where the fan output is on my laptop. That's my point. If I had a dollar for every time I have gone to take a swig of Diet Pepsi, only to find it's been heated to a temperature just shy of "Holy shit!", I certainly wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog. I'd be, well... doing something else with my $20.
On a related note... Starbucks: There is no need to test market the Steamed Diet Pepsi in poquito, venti or grande. I've done the field research. It ain't gonna sell.
Anywho, I recently learned there's some super secret stalker spy software out there that tells people when something has been posted about them or their company. This was the only rational explanation I could figure when I was contacted ON MY BLOG by the Customer Service Director of vitacost.com, and not via email, as I had expected, after I sent the same letter I posted here to them directly through the fancy "Contact Us" form on their website. (NEW Karma Burning Award: Longest Run-On Sentence in a Post That is Really NOT a Run-On Sentence!) As a matter of fact, I never did hear back from anyone at vitacost.com other than my new BFF Jason. (Waves to Jason!)
What does ANY of this have to do with Mike Birbiglia, you ask?
While I fully suspected this devil-ware existed, it was recently confirmed while reading Mike's Secret Public Journal. Apparently tired of Googling himself (is that even possible? I live to Google myself... if that's what we're calling it these days), Mike found Google Alerts. And he wrote about it. That brings me to this tale.
I have had a crap storm following me for the past several months. Every time the clouds seem to clear--nope. More crap. I feel like Forrest Gump... "One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath." It's like there is no escape.
This is a sucky place for me to be, because I very much believe we create our own experiences. If I'm stuck thinking, "Crap, crappity, crap, crap!" all day long, I'm bound to bring more, "Crap, crappity, crap, crap!" into my life. The problem here (which I have yet to bypass) is the whole Whatever-You-Do-Don't-Think-About-A-Pink-Elephant-With-Purple-Polka-Dots Phenomenon. Try to not think about something, and that is all you'll be able to think about! This, my friends, is where Mike Birbiglia comes in.
I turned 37 on Saturday. That should be awesome, right? I was going to have a big party and everything. It was to be the first of three "Countdown" parties... Three! (37), Two! (38), One! (39)... BLAST OFF! (40)! Great idea, right? (Word of warning--if you steal this idea and DON'T invite me to your party, I'm sending Biggie Smalls to haunt your bathroom. For reals.)
Here's the thing, though. It's hard to plan a party when you're covered in crap.
So, instead of hanging out with all my friends, celebrating the big day and "counting down", I laughed. I don't know why I decided on the anniversary of me gracing this world to finally check out Mike's Secret Public Journal (because I've been a Birbiglia fan for a llllloooonnnnngggggg time), but I finally did. And I laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. Suddenly thinking about what a rapist's bed would look like made it a lot easier to stop thinking about crap.
If you, too, are caught in a crap storm (and even if you're not--lucky bastard), I highly recommend the Birbiglia Umbrella. You heard it first here. Mike Birbiglia is my umbrella. My sexy and manly umbrella. S'manly?
Rumor is he's already shot a pilot (the TV kind, not the felony kind) for CBS's fall line up. I'm hoping with fingers and toes crossed that it gets picked up. Word is I'm a shoe in to play his wacky next door neighbor/on-again-off-again love interest. I'll be the Maria-Bamford-meets-Rose-from-Two-and-a-Half-Men character with the kookie blonde swish at her bangs. Look for me.
(...moves Diet Pepsi can to RIGHT side of the computer.)
What I like most about Mike is not that he's funny (and trust me... he's hys-frickin'-TERical), but that he's real. This is a guy you want to hang out with and add to your Christmas card distribution list. He loves his family, he loves his friends, and he loves his fans. When there seems to be a veritable plethora of over-confident, not funny, mass-marketed comics out there who have forgotten who got them where they are and what made them funny in the first place, Mike is a BirBeacon in the fog, reminding us all what it is to laugh. For that, sir, along with all the aforementioned, I thank you.
And Mike, if you somehow managed to make your way here and read through all of this, I kept my word. That makes me more reliable than Jesus.

dear vitacost.com...

I purchase Burt's Bees products for many reasons, but chief among them is the fact that they package in glass or 80%+ post-consumer recylced plastics. I was extremely disheartened to see three of my Burt's Bees products packaged for shipping in an excessive amount of plastic bubble wrap, of course defeating my efforts to reduce my plastic use. Most disturbing is the fact that BOTH bottles of toner I purchased, though packaged separately, arrived with broken lids and had leaked inside the plastic bubble bags. That means this huge amount of plastic waste didn't even do the job you were intending it to do!

For a company who specializes in alternative health care and natural products, it would seem you would institute more sustainable practices in your shipping. I, as well as many others, I'm sure, would be willing to pay an additional charge to have my purchases shipped with natural or bio-degradable packing supplies. I hope this is something you will take under immediate consideration.

I contacted Customer Service already regarding the broken caps on my toner bottles, and the representative I spoke with indicated she would have two replacement bottles sent out in the morning. I'm sure they'll come swathed in plastic, but I hope the day will come soon when my natural products will arrive in natural packaging.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Christina Something Something

planet earth...

I try to focus on the positive in all I do. Some days that is easier than others. I've felt overwhelmed lately by the clouds of negativity and "Dooms Day" thinking that often seem to accompany greener living sites. This video was perfect for putting things back into "Christina" perspective. Enjoy...

mother's little flickr...

Collin decided to play too... I love it!

In case there's any need for explanation:

1. Your name: Collin
2. Favorite food: Meat (As he pointed out, this photo was a DOUBLE bonus, because it is actually a cake decorated to look like meat--cake and steak all in one!)
3. High school: Homeschooled
4. Favorite color: Green
5. Celebrity crush: Mrs. Doubtfire (I spend my nights lying awake in bed, just wishing that this kid had some semblance of a sense of humor...)
6. Favorite drink: Gatorade
7. Dream vacation: Greece (Good call, dude!)
8. Favorite dessert: Tartufo
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? A stationary box (Just kidding... my baby has his sights set on Intelligence Recon as an officer in the USMC!)
10. What you love the most in the world: America (I'm sure he really meant to use this photo.)
11. One word that best describes you: Kickass!
12. Your Flickr name: metatag

Finally proof that the nut doesn't fall too far from the tree.

flickr of hope...

I'm honestly not one for blog "tags"... usually they're pretty goofy, but more often, pointless. This is not to say I haven't EVER done one. This is also not to say that I won't do one again. And of course, there's this one courtesy of my very good friend Erin at Going Green, who did not actually "tag" me and has absolutely no idea who I am.

Wanna play? Here's what you do:

1. Go to Flickr Search and type in each of your answers to the below list of questions.
2. Pick an image from your results--use only the first page!
3. Enter each of the photo URLs into the bighugelabs.com Mosaic Maker. (Note: You will first need to change your mosaic dimensions to 3 columns and 4 rows... or vice-versa if you just like being different! You non-conformist, you...)

And here are the questions to answer...

1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. How about your dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What one word describes you?
12. Enter your Flickr user name (or your online alter-ego if you have no Flickr!).

A word of caution because I love each and every one of you with every ounce of my being and wouldn't wish MY initial experience with this little project on my worst enemy. I might, however, wish it on the bitch who almost rammed me with her cart trying to leave Costco the other day. I wasn't aware we were racing. That's another story for another day, though. On to the "word of caution":

If one (or four, in my case) of the photos you select for your mosaic have been designated "Not Available" by the "owner" of said photo for use in Flickr third party applications, you will end up with a blank spot (or spots-see above) in your mosaic. Should this happen to you, for Vishnu's sake DO NOT hit the back button! You will find that your (presumably significant) investment of time has been wiped away by bighugelabs.com without so much as the tiniest thought for your feelings (and no kiss after being f#(ked, either). Instead of risking heartbreak (and the future usability of your computer), I recommend copying each of the URLs you select BEFORE hitting the "Create My Mosaic" button. And after copying them, I also recommend actually PASTING them somewhere, or you'll end up like I did after mosaic attempt number 2 (still not successful, and not surprisingly, still no kiss). I'm really beginning to re-think my friendship with Erin. (Mental note: Find out if Erin was at Costco last Thursday afternoon around 3:30pm.)

Then came attempt #3.

(Insert drum roll here.)

Now for MY results:

1. Christina, 2. Indian (the image I really wanted to use was "not available" to bighugelabs.com for Mosaic Maker-ugh.), 3. Paint Branch, 4. Blue, 5. Jeffrey Dean Morgan (because nothing hot came up when I entered "Dwayne Johnson"... And because using "Shakira" or "Sara Ramirez" might reveal more than I want it to...AND because ohmygod, didn't you just LOVE him as Denny Duquette?!? And even moreso as the {other} Irish hottie in P.S. I Love You?), 6. Green Tea (because only crappy images come up when you enter "Diet Pepsi"!), 7. New Zealand, 8. Chocolate Mousse, 9. Private Investigator, 10. Family, 11. Compassionate, 12. beautiful epiphany .

I showed you mine. Now you show me yours.

PS--If I were the kind to go around giving myself awards, I would totally christen the crap out of this entry in the "Most Links in One Post" category. I so rock. Just ask me.

the eco-freak within...

A crazy lady has taken over my house.

She goes around screaming things like, "Who threw this away?!?", and, "Why do they even give us recycling bins if no one is going to USE them?!"

I'm not sure she has a search warrant for her "Trash Police" raids on our garbage bins.

Did I mention she follows us, too? Even when we're at other people's homes, she demands to bundle up all the compostable discards during our visits so she can carry the crap home. Can you believe this bitch?

She canceled the newspaper, demanded I stop buying paper towels AND (rumor has it) there's apparently a lot more to come! She won't take plastic or Styrofoam "to-go" boxes at restaurants and somehow feels comfortable asking for a piece of foil instead. This chick gives new meaning to "high maintenance"!

Despite my insistence that she keep her hands off my toilet paper, I caught her at my sewing machine the other day experimenting with "family cloth", which she insists would only be for Number 1. When will this madness stop?

I'll tell you when... when someone pries the most recent issue of Mother Earth News from my cold, dead fingers.

good charlotte...

Several months ago, we opened the big slider door to the screened back porch and enjoyed the fresh air for a while. Later that evening I was watching TV and took a quick potty break. As I walked through the kitchen and into the little vestibule where our bathroom is, I was surprised to find some new wall art! On the arch of the entryway, just like she belonged there, sat this beautiful bright green lizard. She had clearly viewed the open door as an invitation into the house.

A quick chase ensued, with me eventually winning (I think!), although by this time, the little anole was scared witless and covered in fur discarded by the dogs and cat who live here, which apparently accumulated on her during her frantic escape attempt. I washed the little beauty gently under the spray faucet and placed her in the aloe plant outside my back door.

I would have put her in the screened room again, but I feared two things: 1) her eminent demise at the paws of the cat, and 2) her not getting enough to eat. To my surprise, she made her own way back to the screen room. That was evidently right where she wanted to be, despite the risks of thing 1 and thing 2.

My little friend and I have had quite the relationship these past few months. During my brief visits to the back porch, I would see her cautiously watching me and studying my every move lest I decide to bathe her again. On one occasion, I screamed frantically as my Big Boy tried to make an appetizer of her, and several weeks ago I bought her flies and mealworms when she appeared to be getting too skinny. A few days later, I noticed her looking happy and healthy again. Whether it actually had anything to do with the flies or the mealworms, I'll never know.

I went out to water plants earlier today and found my friend, clearly distressed, on the floor of the porch. I tried and tried to save her, but she died in my hands a short while later. Here my heart is, aching for this poor creature, frustrated not to know why she had to go, and lonely at the prospect of not seeing her again.

In a modern day twist on an old literary classic starring a spider and a pig, she appears to have left me a gift before her passing... or more appropriately, two. There, in the corner where I would normally find my friend, are now two little miniature versions of her. While I never got around to naming their mom, I already know what to call them... Thing 1 and Thing 2.